Fight Club 1999

I tend to think I have issues with my concentration, or I have made myself believe that. Either way there is a thin line and I don't know what exactly it is. All I know is, I really struggle to concentrate for minutes. That rather explains my lack of enthusiasm for tv, movies and series and everything people seem to be up to these days. Maybe that has something to do with my childhood. You see, growing up as a kid I never really enjoyed the pleasure of tv at home. Our tv was spoilt for the longest time possible and by the time it was fixed (I think I was in class 7), I had already moved passed that stage. I never really grew up with the joy of waking up glued to the TV like my best friends Sandra and Shantell (RIP). Those kids could watch TV all day everyday. Heck they even spoiled the remote so no one could disturb.

But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. So sometimes I get my lazy ass to the screen and watch a few stuff. I have watched Breaking Bad, struggling to finish Prison Break (do not judge), watching Hell on Wheels plus a couple of series that if I mentioned I'd have to hand in my man card.
When it comes to movies, I'm a sucker for the classics. One, because they have been watched by a wider audience and the reviews are more honest. Because for the life of me, I feel really cheated watching plotless movies. You know, those movies where the director flashes lots and lots of boobies but there is really no content in the script? Or movies that start well then veer off to some imaginary stupid science fiction? Or movies with hot actresses but no plot? Like that Kim Kardashian movie (no, not that one with Ray. An actual movie where Kim wasn't putting everything black into her mouth), I think it's a Tyler Perry movie. The movie was totally idiotic but it's totally manly to watch a movie because of Kim. *sigh. I am Jack's complete unquenched thirst.

I also like classic movies because they are just the thing. Think, The Godfather, No Country for Old Men, Good Fellows, The Prestige and ULTIMATELY "FIGHT CLUB". Some of these movies are not that old but you get my drift. I am an old soul. I am not moved by trends. I am Jack's total lack of enthusiasm for trends and trendsetters.

Now Fight Club. The first time I watched this movie, we were having cookies. Good cookies, 'bad' cookies and I think I must have accidentally eaten a 'bad' cookie. Boy! I laughed. I laughed till my buddies stopped and started laughing at me laughing, then stopped to ask why I was laughing. Bad cookies. I couldn't finish watching the movie. Tyler (Bradd Pitt) was too much of a jackass in the movie. If I watched any more, I'd have probably passed out. So naturally, later on I searched for the movie online. It's a 1999 movie. I think it took me a year or so to finally find it. Plus those movie vendors only have stuff for the cool kids. The latest movies. Souls like me have no place in the movie chain. I've rewatched Fight Club twice ever since. I NEVER rewatch movies. I plan to rewatch it more often. I know. Do not judge.

Fight Club joins the desiderata and Serenity Prayer on the list of things I draw inspiration from. The movie is about the vanity of worldly possession, more or less. About how we have lost the sense of existence as persons, instead trapped into society and all its glamour. How we crave to make money we don't have to buy stuff we don't need. How useless we have become as humans. Bradd Pitt plays Tyler Durden, the narrator's other personality. He is an ass. A good ass, bad ass kinda person. He isn't thrilled by the little comforts in life like wearing designer boxers or owning condos or living expensive. He lives in some shit hole. Actually he notes that the things we own end up owning us. He says how society has brainwashed us to thinking we'll all end up as rock stars and celebrities and billionaires. And when we finally realize that ain't gonna happen, we are mad at the society and that is all it is. Failed dreams and bitter individuals. Look around. Everyone is mad.

I am not a fan of fights. I am but a simple man. But I watched Fight Club and admired a good fight. Not a fight out of malice, or revenge or any ill intentions. Just a good fight to release all that build up testosterone because, life in itself is a female dog. We hop from day to day dealing with people we don't like, jobs we don't like, days we don't like, situations we don't like and at the end of it all, we are worn out. Having a good fight/beating at the end of it all just seems like a good way to let it all off :-). I think we need a Fight Club around. Underground boxing clubs. I'm not a proponent of Project Mayhem but I'm no fan of corporates either. I am Jack's obsession with this movie.

Watch Fight Club. Twice at least. Put in all your concentration and trust me, you will learn more about life than you have learnt anywhere else.

(Btw this is a personal blog, if you are reading it, it's probably because I gave you the link. Now remember the rules.

1. You do not talk about Jakaya's blog.
2. You do not talk about Jakaya's blog.

#WCW

There is something about me and petite ladies. I donno. I am from Western Kenya, born and bred in Kisumu, I should be into lasses with respectable behinds but hell no.  I have really tried to like women with respectable behinds and big bodies but it has never just worked out. I mean they are good to look at but that is just it. No thought materializes from there. Nothing ticks. From the first moment I appreciated a lady as a woman, from the days of Jacqueline and Lesley, as far as I can remember, it has always been a petite woman. All the ladies I have dated thus far has been of light body frame, all the ladies I look and feel weak on my knees are small in body frame.  Remember the post I did on Bonnie? The actor in that series? These women happen to be cute, beautiful pretty and have some meekness in them. They are just adorable people. I donno how but they always just are. The rest is NSFW comments, plus there are people who might end up on this blog and use that information against me lol.  If this was a curse, then it really is a strong one.

Now I have not been an active blogger because, I am lazy and lack in discipline and I accepted myself. So I stopped trying. This issue of my rather unafrican preference in ladies has gotten me to my keyboard. The world ought to know. Someone somewhere needs to tell me it is totally okay lol. Anyhow, why did I decide to blog today? I am crushing on a lecturer of mine. Don't look at me like that. Do not, you! Yes you! Stop judging me. She is not a 50 something lady. She is a lady in her mid-twenties I suppose. I don’t know. She is one of those bright students who pursue their masters while tutoring I suppose. These small ladies are quite tricky to approximate age wise, at least Sanya will agree with me there. I started crushing on her a while ago, a year or two perhaps but back then we interacted on very few occasions so I never got to know the real extent of this crush. Then came this semester where she is taking us on a class. In the first class, she wore this lime green skirt with a top matching the skirt then accessorized it with a green scarf. I donno. She just looked amazing. Plus those are my favourite colours man. Why is God doing this to me? Why? Then the second class, she put on a nice dress that showed her nice light legs. I was seated at the front and I spent all that class between listening to her teach and listen to her in another context altogether. The white board looked like white sheets at some point during the lecture. Okay I did not pursue the thought any further. I felt a tinge of guilt. I could not wait for Wednesday to make her my #WCW. My lecturer is the epitome of my taste in ladies, though a bit shy. She rarely looks us in the eye during lectures. I try to set that eye contact that is never forthcoming, though I do not know what I would do with it (the eye contact) in the unlikely event that we, you know what.

I had a crush on a teacher in my high school. She had these hazel eyes that one. The ones that look straight into your heart and thaw it. One fine lass, young, around the same age as my current lec and boy, wasn't that was one long crush. It never died, or so I believe. I just cleared and put it behind me. Then there was that crush on Keri Hilson. Enough said.

Anyhow, this is me, and a lecturer I am crushing on. I hope this crush works out constructively and in my attempt to impress, I end up with a nice A in this unit. No Ds (The puns won't just leave us alone now, will they?)

To Boddah(ess) {Rewritten}

These are words that were probably composed years ago. Time and time again, I have lacked the opportune moment to express them. These are words that stem from the root of my being and have lingered in my mind. In appreciation of my mortality I have to say them. It is not that I anticipate my demise, but should anything happen, I wish that you know this.

I am a coward. I have my fears that time and again I have tried to shake off, especially the fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertainty of time and the future. It is along these lines that I have ended up making mistakes and taken steps that have halted the progress I have made to groom the man I wish to be. You must know that sometimes I have done things I did not wish to, but ended up doing them solely due to the uncertainty of the future.

I am coward to myself. I fear myself to the extent that sometimes I do not look myself to know myself. I believe this self is impure, this self is unable and however much I try, I have never gotten the courage to face myself in greater depths. In a moment of a smile and laughter is a concealed sense of fear. You must have noticed this. I have feared disappointing people and as a result strived to be at my best.

Time and time again though, I have fallen short of who I proclaim to be. To the world, I have created a facade of a strong person but remained weak on the inside. In temptations, I have often failed the test. I have disgraced myself. Though unnoticed, even by you, I have felt unable in dire moment. These are moments that have called for the true definition of the person I am.

I do not know how you picture me out; either way I do not think it is a big deal.

In these few years, I have strived not to expect a lot from people. I have freed my mind off people’s opinion. I have been branded liberal, radical and a menace in various occasions but I have never let those moments define who I am.

In all honesty, I do hate a lot of things and people. Even then, I have learnt to maintain my calm and keep my views to myself. Essentially, I do not care to think who I really am to you. This is not to say I have ever failed to express how much of a person you have been to me. There are moments I have used you to find my bearing, times I have been lost and used you as my compass to get back on track. You have been a challenge and I have strived to surpass the challenges. In my past few years, I must say there are few people who have lived up to your standards.

You must also know that I am completely lost. Totally unaware of what the future holds for me. I have lived trying to find the way but in vain. At times I have thought I have found the way only to sink deeper in my dark pit. I have tried! Trust me I have tried and I am still trying. There are moments I have reached out to you for help. Either you have failed to notice or you believe it is an individual’s effort to locate and find their true purpose in life.

It has been a life I was thrust into and found myself alone before long. The past 10 years have been hell in a way. I have lived half of those years in a dream, never wishing to accept the truth in the dawning of my life. However, I am trying to wake up from my dream. In the pursuit of the light of the day, my life has stopped moving. Time wise, I am five or ten years behind. That was till I realized this was real. I was real. I was alone. I was Lost!

When you came along, I never made any effort to try and extract myself from my mess because, well, I believed you would pass with time. Many have come and left. Instead you stayed on. I think I have transformed over these years. Though not by much, I have made a step; from worst to worse. I do not know if you have noticed.

I am unambitious at times. I am misunderstood most of the time. My sarcastic, narcissist and critical views not to mention my academic excellence in the past couple of schooling years have been confused with ambition. Deep down, sometimes I cannot tell what I want. It is a part I have tried to hide from you and to the world. Consequently, I have posed as someone else. I have concealed my identity, not because I hate my identity, but because I try to be what I want to be and I am stuck here. When you asked what I want to be in years to come, those responses were genuine but you should know it is because I strive to be true to you. Had anyone else asked, the answers would have varied from one person to another.

Someone claimed that if I say ‘I have been thinking about you all the time’, then I am lying. However, truth be told, it has been you all along. I have expressed this to you sometimes and you have laughed it off. I guess it was flattering. It is nothing but the absolute truth. The past three months or so have been all about you, day in day out. This has at times helped me escape my sorrows, because in you, I have cherished my thoughts. My nights have ceased being sleepless. My eyes have stopped shedding tears at the darkest moments. So I have lived my life to the best in your thoughts. My thoughts have been diverse. From past, present to future. I hope to live up to the good future I think of you in.I am a better person because of you. I have shed some of my older self because of you. It is something I have hidden and tried not to let you know but it is high time I think I let you know.

I am envious of your life. You always seem strong, unweathered and always growing stronger, traits I so admire in you. I have watched moments you share with friends and family and I have always wished the same. However, since I am unable to live the same, it has become my challenge to let others live up to thing I wished I had in my early life

In my cowardice, unambitious and untraceable self, I have wished you knew me more. For this is who I really am: My naked self.

I have tried to hide my nakedness from the face of the world for long enough. My art has always been a way to free my mind from it but it has not always worked. I have even lost taste in my work. Sometimes I find it wanting; at times I have been challenged to improve which I have tried where possible.

I have said much. Should you forget all these, I want you to know that it has been a life changing experience knowing you. Let us walk the talk.

Peace, love, empathy.

Jakaya