To Boddah(ess) {Rewritten}

These are words that were probably composed years ago. Time and time again, I have lacked the opportune moment to express them. These are words that stem from the root of my being and have lingered in my mind. In appreciation of my mortality I have to say them. It is not that I anticipate my demise, but should anything happen, I wish that you know this.

I am a coward. I have my fears that time and again I have tried to shake off, especially the fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertainty of time and the future. It is along these lines that I have ended up making mistakes and taken steps that have halted the progress I have made to groom the man I wish to be. You must know that sometimes I have done things I did not wish to, but ended up doing them solely due to the uncertainty of the future.

I am coward to myself. I fear myself to the extent that sometimes I do not look myself to know myself. I believe this self is impure, this self is unable and however much I try, I have never gotten the courage to face myself in greater depths. In a moment of a smile and laughter is a concealed sense of fear. You must have noticed this. I have feared disappointing people and as a result strived to be at my best.

Time and time again though, I have fallen short of who I proclaim to be. To the world, I have created a facade of a strong person but remained weak on the inside. In temptations, I have often failed the test. I have disgraced myself. Though unnoticed, even by you, I have felt unable in dire moment. These are moments that have called for the true definition of the person I am.

I do not know how you picture me out; either way I do not think it is a big deal.

In these few years, I have strived not to expect a lot from people. I have freed my mind off people’s opinion. I have been branded liberal, radical and a menace in various occasions but I have never let those moments define who I am.

In all honesty, I do hate a lot of things and people. Even then, I have learnt to maintain my calm and keep my views to myself. Essentially, I do not care to think who I really am to you. This is not to say I have ever failed to express how much of a person you have been to me. There are moments I have used you to find my bearing, times I have been lost and used you as my compass to get back on track. You have been a challenge and I have strived to surpass the challenges. In my past few years, I must say there are few people who have lived up to your standards.

You must also know that I am completely lost. Totally unaware of what the future holds for me. I have lived trying to find the way but in vain. At times I have thought I have found the way only to sink deeper in my dark pit. I have tried! Trust me I have tried and I am still trying. There are moments I have reached out to you for help. Either you have failed to notice or you believe it is an individual’s effort to locate and find their true purpose in life.

It has been a life I was thrust into and found myself alone before long. The past 10 years have been hell in a way. I have lived half of those years in a dream, never wishing to accept the truth in the dawning of my life. However, I am trying to wake up from my dream. In the pursuit of the light of the day, my life has stopped moving. Time wise, I am five or ten years behind. That was till I realized this was real. I was real. I was alone. I was Lost!

When you came along, I never made any effort to try and extract myself from my mess because, well, I believed you would pass with time. Many have come and left. Instead you stayed on. I think I have transformed over these years. Though not by much, I have made a step; from worst to worse. I do not know if you have noticed.

I am unambitious at times. I am misunderstood most of the time. My sarcastic, narcissist and critical views not to mention my academic excellence in the past couple of schooling years have been confused with ambition. Deep down, sometimes I cannot tell what I want. It is a part I have tried to hide from you and to the world. Consequently, I have posed as someone else. I have concealed my identity, not because I hate my identity, but because I try to be what I want to be and I am stuck here. When you asked what I want to be in years to come, those responses were genuine but you should know it is because I strive to be true to you. Had anyone else asked, the answers would have varied from one person to another.

Someone claimed that if I say ‘I have been thinking about you all the time’, then I am lying. However, truth be told, it has been you all along. I have expressed this to you sometimes and you have laughed it off. I guess it was flattering. It is nothing but the absolute truth. The past three months or so have been all about you, day in day out. This has at times helped me escape my sorrows, because in you, I have cherished my thoughts. My nights have ceased being sleepless. My eyes have stopped shedding tears at the darkest moments. So I have lived my life to the best in your thoughts. My thoughts have been diverse. From past, present to future. I hope to live up to the good future I think of you in.I am a better person because of you. I have shed some of my older self because of you. It is something I have hidden and tried not to let you know but it is high time I think I let you know.

I am envious of your life. You always seem strong, unweathered and always growing stronger, traits I so admire in you. I have watched moments you share with friends and family and I have always wished the same. However, since I am unable to live the same, it has become my challenge to let others live up to thing I wished I had in my early life

In my cowardice, unambitious and untraceable self, I have wished you knew me more. For this is who I really am: My naked self.

I have tried to hide my nakedness from the face of the world for long enough. My art has always been a way to free my mind from it but it has not always worked. I have even lost taste in my work. Sometimes I find it wanting; at times I have been challenged to improve which I have tried where possible.

I have said much. Should you forget all these, I want you to know that it has been a life changing experience knowing you. Let us walk the talk.

Peace, love, empathy.

Jakaya