Fight Club 1999

I tend to think I have issues with my concentration, or I have made myself believe that. Either way there is a thin line and I don't know what exactly it is. All I know is, I really struggle to concentrate for minutes. That rather explains my lack of enthusiasm for tv, movies and series and everything people seem to be up to these days. Maybe that has something to do with my childhood. You see, growing up as a kid I never really enjoyed the pleasure of tv at home. Our tv was spoilt for the longest time possible and by the time it was fixed (I think I was in class 7), I had already moved passed that stage. I never really grew up with the joy of waking up glued to the TV like my best friends Sandra and Shantell (RIP). Those kids could watch TV all day everyday. Heck they even spoiled the remote so no one could disturb.

But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. So sometimes I get my lazy ass to the screen and watch a few stuff. I have watched Breaking Bad, struggling to finish Prison Break (do not judge), watching Hell on Wheels plus a couple of series that if I mentioned I'd have to hand in my man card.
When it comes to movies, I'm a sucker for the classics. One, because they have been watched by a wider audience and the reviews are more honest. Because for the life of me, I feel really cheated watching plotless movies. You know, those movies where the director flashes lots and lots of boobies but there is really no content in the script? Or movies that start well then veer off to some imaginary stupid science fiction? Or movies with hot actresses but no plot? Like that Kim Kardashian movie (no, not that one with Ray. An actual movie where Kim wasn't putting everything black into her mouth), I think it's a Tyler Perry movie. The movie was totally idiotic but it's totally manly to watch a movie because of Kim. *sigh. I am Jack's complete unquenched thirst.

I also like classic movies because they are just the thing. Think, The Godfather, No Country for Old Men, Good Fellows, The Prestige and ULTIMATELY "FIGHT CLUB". Some of these movies are not that old but you get my drift. I am an old soul. I am not moved by trends. I am Jack's total lack of enthusiasm for trends and trendsetters.

Now Fight Club. The first time I watched this movie, we were having cookies. Good cookies, 'bad' cookies and I think I must have accidentally eaten a 'bad' cookie. Boy! I laughed. I laughed till my buddies stopped and started laughing at me laughing, then stopped to ask why I was laughing. Bad cookies. I couldn't finish watching the movie. Tyler (Bradd Pitt) was too much of a jackass in the movie. If I watched any more, I'd have probably passed out. So naturally, later on I searched for the movie online. It's a 1999 movie. I think it took me a year or so to finally find it. Plus those movie vendors only have stuff for the cool kids. The latest movies. Souls like me have no place in the movie chain. I've rewatched Fight Club twice ever since. I NEVER rewatch movies. I plan to rewatch it more often. I know. Do not judge.

Fight Club joins the desiderata and Serenity Prayer on the list of things I draw inspiration from. The movie is about the vanity of worldly possession, more or less. About how we have lost the sense of existence as persons, instead trapped into society and all its glamour. How we crave to make money we don't have to buy stuff we don't need. How useless we have become as humans. Bradd Pitt plays Tyler Durden, the narrator's other personality. He is an ass. A good ass, bad ass kinda person. He isn't thrilled by the little comforts in life like wearing designer boxers or owning condos or living expensive. He lives in some shit hole. Actually he notes that the things we own end up owning us. He says how society has brainwashed us to thinking we'll all end up as rock stars and celebrities and billionaires. And when we finally realize that ain't gonna happen, we are mad at the society and that is all it is. Failed dreams and bitter individuals. Look around. Everyone is mad.

I am not a fan of fights. I am but a simple man. But I watched Fight Club and admired a good fight. Not a fight out of malice, or revenge or any ill intentions. Just a good fight to release all that build up testosterone because, life in itself is a female dog. We hop from day to day dealing with people we don't like, jobs we don't like, days we don't like, situations we don't like and at the end of it all, we are worn out. Having a good fight/beating at the end of it all just seems like a good way to let it all off :-). I think we need a Fight Club around. Underground boxing clubs. I'm not a proponent of Project Mayhem but I'm no fan of corporates either. I am Jack's obsession with this movie.

Watch Fight Club. Twice at least. Put in all your concentration and trust me, you will learn more about life than you have learnt anywhere else.

(Btw this is a personal blog, if you are reading it, it's probably because I gave you the link. Now remember the rules.

1. You do not talk about Jakaya's blog.
2. You do not talk about Jakaya's blog.

#WCW

There is something about me and petite ladies. I donno. I am from Western Kenya, born and bred in Kisumu, I should be into lasses with respectable behinds but hell no.  I have really tried to like women with respectable behinds and big bodies but it has never just worked out. I mean they are good to look at but that is just it. No thought materializes from there. Nothing ticks. From the first moment I appreciated a lady as a woman, from the days of Jacqueline and Lesley, as far as I can remember, it has always been a petite woman. All the ladies I have dated thus far has been of light body frame, all the ladies I look and feel weak on my knees are small in body frame.  Remember the post I did on Bonnie? The actor in that series? These women happen to be cute, beautiful pretty and have some meekness in them. They are just adorable people. I donno how but they always just are. The rest is NSFW comments, plus there are people who might end up on this blog and use that information against me lol.  If this was a curse, then it really is a strong one.

Now I have not been an active blogger because, I am lazy and lack in discipline and I accepted myself. So I stopped trying. This issue of my rather unafrican preference in ladies has gotten me to my keyboard. The world ought to know. Someone somewhere needs to tell me it is totally okay lol. Anyhow, why did I decide to blog today? I am crushing on a lecturer of mine. Don't look at me like that. Do not, you! Yes you! Stop judging me. She is not a 50 something lady. She is a lady in her mid-twenties I suppose. I don’t know. She is one of those bright students who pursue their masters while tutoring I suppose. These small ladies are quite tricky to approximate age wise, at least Sanya will agree with me there. I started crushing on her a while ago, a year or two perhaps but back then we interacted on very few occasions so I never got to know the real extent of this crush. Then came this semester where she is taking us on a class. In the first class, she wore this lime green skirt with a top matching the skirt then accessorized it with a green scarf. I donno. She just looked amazing. Plus those are my favourite colours man. Why is God doing this to me? Why? Then the second class, she put on a nice dress that showed her nice light legs. I was seated at the front and I spent all that class between listening to her teach and listen to her in another context altogether. The white board looked like white sheets at some point during the lecture. Okay I did not pursue the thought any further. I felt a tinge of guilt. I could not wait for Wednesday to make her my #WCW. My lecturer is the epitome of my taste in ladies, though a bit shy. She rarely looks us in the eye during lectures. I try to set that eye contact that is never forthcoming, though I do not know what I would do with it (the eye contact) in the unlikely event that we, you know what.

I had a crush on a teacher in my high school. She had these hazel eyes that one. The ones that look straight into your heart and thaw it. One fine lass, young, around the same age as my current lec and boy, wasn't that was one long crush. It never died, or so I believe. I just cleared and put it behind me. Then there was that crush on Keri Hilson. Enough said.

Anyhow, this is me, and a lecturer I am crushing on. I hope this crush works out constructively and in my attempt to impress, I end up with a nice A in this unit. No Ds (The puns won't just leave us alone now, will they?)

To Boddah(ess) {Rewritten}

These are words that were probably composed years ago. Time and time again, I have lacked the opportune moment to express them. These are words that stem from the root of my being and have lingered in my mind. In appreciation of my mortality I have to say them. It is not that I anticipate my demise, but should anything happen, I wish that you know this.

I am a coward. I have my fears that time and again I have tried to shake off, especially the fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertainty of time and the future. It is along these lines that I have ended up making mistakes and taken steps that have halted the progress I have made to groom the man I wish to be. You must know that sometimes I have done things I did not wish to, but ended up doing them solely due to the uncertainty of the future.

I am coward to myself. I fear myself to the extent that sometimes I do not look myself to know myself. I believe this self is impure, this self is unable and however much I try, I have never gotten the courage to face myself in greater depths. In a moment of a smile and laughter is a concealed sense of fear. You must have noticed this. I have feared disappointing people and as a result strived to be at my best.

Time and time again though, I have fallen short of who I proclaim to be. To the world, I have created a facade of a strong person but remained weak on the inside. In temptations, I have often failed the test. I have disgraced myself. Though unnoticed, even by you, I have felt unable in dire moment. These are moments that have called for the true definition of the person I am.

I do not know how you picture me out; either way I do not think it is a big deal.

In these few years, I have strived not to expect a lot from people. I have freed my mind off people’s opinion. I have been branded liberal, radical and a menace in various occasions but I have never let those moments define who I am.

In all honesty, I do hate a lot of things and people. Even then, I have learnt to maintain my calm and keep my views to myself. Essentially, I do not care to think who I really am to you. This is not to say I have ever failed to express how much of a person you have been to me. There are moments I have used you to find my bearing, times I have been lost and used you as my compass to get back on track. You have been a challenge and I have strived to surpass the challenges. In my past few years, I must say there are few people who have lived up to your standards.

You must also know that I am completely lost. Totally unaware of what the future holds for me. I have lived trying to find the way but in vain. At times I have thought I have found the way only to sink deeper in my dark pit. I have tried! Trust me I have tried and I am still trying. There are moments I have reached out to you for help. Either you have failed to notice or you believe it is an individual’s effort to locate and find their true purpose in life.

It has been a life I was thrust into and found myself alone before long. The past 10 years have been hell in a way. I have lived half of those years in a dream, never wishing to accept the truth in the dawning of my life. However, I am trying to wake up from my dream. In the pursuit of the light of the day, my life has stopped moving. Time wise, I am five or ten years behind. That was till I realized this was real. I was real. I was alone. I was Lost!

When you came along, I never made any effort to try and extract myself from my mess because, well, I believed you would pass with time. Many have come and left. Instead you stayed on. I think I have transformed over these years. Though not by much, I have made a step; from worst to worse. I do not know if you have noticed.

I am unambitious at times. I am misunderstood most of the time. My sarcastic, narcissist and critical views not to mention my academic excellence in the past couple of schooling years have been confused with ambition. Deep down, sometimes I cannot tell what I want. It is a part I have tried to hide from you and to the world. Consequently, I have posed as someone else. I have concealed my identity, not because I hate my identity, but because I try to be what I want to be and I am stuck here. When you asked what I want to be in years to come, those responses were genuine but you should know it is because I strive to be true to you. Had anyone else asked, the answers would have varied from one person to another.

Someone claimed that if I say ‘I have been thinking about you all the time’, then I am lying. However, truth be told, it has been you all along. I have expressed this to you sometimes and you have laughed it off. I guess it was flattering. It is nothing but the absolute truth. The past three months or so have been all about you, day in day out. This has at times helped me escape my sorrows, because in you, I have cherished my thoughts. My nights have ceased being sleepless. My eyes have stopped shedding tears at the darkest moments. So I have lived my life to the best in your thoughts. My thoughts have been diverse. From past, present to future. I hope to live up to the good future I think of you in.I am a better person because of you. I have shed some of my older self because of you. It is something I have hidden and tried not to let you know but it is high time I think I let you know.

I am envious of your life. You always seem strong, unweathered and always growing stronger, traits I so admire in you. I have watched moments you share with friends and family and I have always wished the same. However, since I am unable to live the same, it has become my challenge to let others live up to thing I wished I had in my early life

In my cowardice, unambitious and untraceable self, I have wished you knew me more. For this is who I really am: My naked self.

I have tried to hide my nakedness from the face of the world for long enough. My art has always been a way to free my mind from it but it has not always worked. I have even lost taste in my work. Sometimes I find it wanting; at times I have been challenged to improve which I have tried where possible.

I have said much. Should you forget all these, I want you to know that it has been a life changing experience knowing you. Let us walk the talk.

Peace, love, empathy.

Jakaya

THE ZEAL IN ARSENAL'S SUMMER BUSINESS

A club record 50 million Euros buying for Arsenal and selling by Madrid brings a German beauty to grace the pitch at the Ashburton Grove. The euphoria that comes with Mesut Özil is unexplainable. When news broke that Real Madrid were seriously in for Welsh star Gareth Bale, my buddies and I discussed the implications on Madrid's XI. The arrival and pre-season form of erstwhile Malaga boy Isco didn't help matters. All in all, it was agreed, Özil was untouchable. di Maria seemed the dark horse. Well Arsenal left it late as is the norm, and pulled an unexpected, as is the norm. I'm so ecstatic.

Alot of useless and baseless opinion from goal.com lovers (mostly from some bridge in London) have already started flying in to the effect that Özil will be sold in a year or so. I'm actually amused at the bitterness in people because Arsenal has proved their asses wrong. Inside, people are still to come to terms as to how a player of Özil's caliber could join Arsenal.
Some claim Arsenal didn't really need a playmaking maestro as we already had Midget quick feet Saint Carzola. Oh the goal 'coaches' even accessed and concluded we needed a goalkeeper, defender, defensive midfielder and striker more. I chuckled.

If anyone genuinely watched Arsenal last season and the previous, you'd know how much we struggled to create chances. You'd know how our 1st halves were a boring contest, you'd know that if Carzola was tightly marked, we stood no chance. Heck we even played a full game with no shot on target registered. Arsenal's game was based on chance after chance after chance. Last season was dismal, pathetic. It really hurt to see the club that graced among EPL's greatest playmakers struggle in such a fashion.
The previous season, an artistic dutchman salvaged our season. I'm grateful for his contribution to Arsenal FC.

Defensively we are improving. The pair of Koscielny and Per is a very good partnership. Per's composure compliments Koza's soldier play. Not to mention the blessing that is Bacary Sagna's ability to play at CB. At the middle of the park, Arsene no longer needs a destroyer kind of defensive midfielder. If anything, Arsene always says he needs his midfielder to be all round, contributing to all phases of play. With Arteta, the ever improving Aaron Ramsey and now Marseille money boy Flamini, I think Arsene can really work out how he needs the team to set up defensively. I'm not against a more specialized defensive midfielder but I like how Arteta aids to the team. He's grown into that role, a good passer, good tackler, some creativity and composure, what Arsene really requires of a midfielder in front of the back four. If only he was 24. Arteta's biggest and only weakness is pace.

I know Özil's signing doesn't assure us of silver ware but its good to note that when the silverware was missing, we really enjoyed the football Arsenal played. Everyone did, till Cesc and Nasri decided to become more ambitious than Arsene, till a small boy in a dutch man found his voice. We really enjoyed the football. But now with Özil, this is a statement, or so I hope. We have stepped into the new era. We are starting to reap the fruits of moving to the big Ashburton Grove grounds.

It is because of the Emirates that we've been making do for the past many seasons. Its why we sold players at 28-29. Arsene says, at that age, with limited funds, he thought it wise to sell big because really at that age, a footballer was headed for a decline. He would sell, get a promising player and invest the rest in the stadium project. It made sense from an economic point, Arsene is a masters degree holder in Economics. Unfortunately, it hurt our competitiveness.
The promising young players were to grow together and challenge for honours but Arsenal's ambition became blurred. Players started moving away. The big short term plan crumbled. #WengerOut replaced "In Arsene We Trust".

I'm quite optimistic. I've grown to dislike Arsene because he's played a part to the decline of the club. He is accountable. With Özil's statement, its back to beautiful football. It may not win silverware but it will be interesting to watch. That is the Arsenal way, beautiful sleek football. The O to the zeal in Arsenal will have the whole stadium scream "ÖZIL".

Ps : I remember Fergie, oh my manners, I meant Sir Alexander Fergusson, trolling Arsene's multi lingual ability, claiming he knew a boy in Africa who could speak 7 languages. Funny thing, Özil claimed Arsene's fluency in German played a part to his move. It's time Moyes mastered some Spanish or got that African boy to his coaching staff, the spanish boys won't come easy David.

BEFORE WE TOUCHED

A friend of mine shared this with me. Its a true story. It was very deep I thought I should share, with his permission of course.

So I asked him what I should title it and he replied 'Letter to my unborn'. Too cliche plus who writes letters anymore? Tuko digital bwana. I called it 'Before we touched' because its a story of a man who lost a fetus, before it was born and before they got to touch, like father and kid.

"Special greetings my sweet
little baby! I know that you are
in a place of great love and
healing.
I often wonder what your
little body experienced as you were
being ripped away from mum. I can
imagine that you were trying to
cling to me with all your might. I
know you were because the doctor
was experiencing difficulties tearing
you away. I'm sorry for the pain
that caused you and that mum
allowed.
Your body to be discarded in such
a dishonorable way. Sorry that she
denied you life or even a funeral.
And that your coffin was a glass jar
and then later, who knows what,
perhaps a garbage can. I wonder
what they did to your remains; I
hope they didn't dishonor you too
horribly bad.
I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you
baby. But I couldn't fight for
myself. I just thought that if none
of the people who were supposed
to love and protect you were going
to – then why should I love and
protect myself. I should have
protected you baby
I'm sorry that she
denied you the privilege of seeing
my face and gazing into my eyes,
and that you will never get to hold
my hand or feed from her breast.
Sorry that you will never get to see
your daddy's face lovingly look at
you in awe and wonder of the
beautiful life that he created. I'm
sorry that you will never get to
explore the wonders of this earth.
I want you to know that I
desperately long to touch you and
see you. I want to hold and
protect you. I want to dress you
and comb your hair. I want to do
all the things that a daddy does.
I want to see your tiny little
hands. Do they look like mine or
do they look like Lilly's? And
what about your nose? Is it cute
and kinda pointy? Who do you act
like? Are you chatty or quiet?
What kinds of things would you
like to do? I picture you with
sweet kinda curly blonde hair and
blue eyes. I see you on fire and
ready to explore the world. And I
deeply regret not allowing myself
to watch you do it, or you to be
blessed with life.
I'm sorry that your mum
didn't want you. I'm sorry that she
couldn't love you. I'm sorry that
neither set of your grandparents
wanted you. They were just all
scared. They were all scared of
you and the responsibility that they
would have to you. I could list all
the things/reasons/excuses that
everyone had, but they don't
matter. Because I know that that
is not what you are about. For the
very name that God gave to you
baby exemplifies the very essence
of what God's unfailing love
represents. I know that you have
absolutely no condemnation for
what was done to you, and for the
life that you were denied. Nor do
you have any condemning feelings
toward your family members. I
know that you want to see
everyone healed and brought closer
to your heavenly father who you
get to experience everyday. I know
that he finished forming you from
mangled pieces and made you
perfect in every way.

@JAKAYA10

The Genius Of The Crowd

Reblogging this from here

"

I have not found or
read a poem that
describes me this
well…

there is enough
treachery, hatred
violence absurdity
in the average
human being to
supply any given
army on any given
day

and the best at
murder are those
who preach against
it
and the best at hate
are those who
preach love

and the best at war
finally are those
who preach peace
those who preach
god, need god
those who preach
peace do not have
peace

those who preach
peace do not have
love
beware the
preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who
are always reading
books
beware those who
either detest
poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick
to praise
for they need praise
in return
beware those who
are quick to censor
they are afraid of
what they do not
know
beware those who
seek constant
crowds for
they are nothing
alone
beware the average
man the average
woman
beware their love,
their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius
in their hatred
there is enough
genius in their
hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding
solitude
they will attempt to
destroy anything
that differs from
their own
not being able to
create art
they will not
understand art
they will consider
their failure as
creators
only as a failure of
the world
not being able to
love fully
they will believe
your love
incomplete
and then they will
hate you
and their hatred
will be perfect
like a shining
diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock
their finest art

Charles Bukowski "

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